


Temporal Universal Regulation Device

by trr_rr



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Dimension Travel, Other, Science Fiction, Science mumbo jumbo, Slime, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles, Time Travel, space travel, the grandpa gets tentacled, you have seen enough hentai to know where this is going
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:36:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4559661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trr_rr/pseuds/trr_rr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick invents a thing that lets him mess around with time and space. Morty gets his dumb self roped in as always and a tentacle monster takes Rick home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first Rick and Morty fic. More chapters to come.
> 
> No beta, I'm living life on the edge.

 

“Hey, _Morty!_ Get your disappointing little prepubescent ass in here. I got something cool to show you.”

“What is it, Rick?” Morty pushed open the garage door. “I’m really supposed to be studying, remember? Remember when we-we were out late and my dad said no more missing school?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah sure whatever, Morty, your dad’s an idiot but look at **this**.”

Rick put down his subthermal-occilator and span around. His white coat fluttered and a heavenly yellow glow surrounded the fruit of his labour.

“It’s the TV remote glued to a torch, Rick.”

The heavenly yellow glow snuffed out like a cigarette in a urinal.

“You really didn’t inherit any of my -BUHP- intelligence did you, _Morty._ It’s not the _TV remote_ ; it’s a temporal universal regulation device. ”

“It’s a Turd?”

There was a second for Rick to decide if he wanted to smack Morty in the mouth for his sass and he decided against it, in favour of pulling out his flask and taking some nice deep sips while little Morty laughed himself a real big chuckle at his expense.

“Oh man, Rick, haha, you- you are really bad at naming things. I mean, it’s almost as though whoever came up with the name for this- this new device of yours named it specifically to get a laugh. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“I mean, isn’t it kind of obvious that, when naming it, you were making something that’s abbreviated name would be a pun? Huh, Rick?”

“Ok, shut up, already. Can I explain what it’s for?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“It’s a time traveling device that lets the user skip from one dimension to another but it also slows down time in the first, base universe, letting the traveller spend hours in the second dimension, while only appearing to have been gone for a few moments, in the first, uh, anchor universe.”

Morty’s eyes were glazed.

“Do you understand anything I just said, Morty?”

“Yeah, Rick. It’s like those dream reading things we used except you’d be traveling though dimensions instead of, like, progressively more pop-culturally-derivative dreamscapes.”

“Ex-fucking-actly, dawg.”

“That’s pretty cool. Can we use it?”

“Of course we can use it. Uh, only thing is, I don’t know what dimension it’s going to floop us into when we go through the portal this thing creates.”

“Ooh, Rick, did you make this thing out of garbage?”

“What are talking about?”

“Rick, our trash can has been knocked over in here.” Morty shook an old slice of pizza from the bottom of his shoe. “Did you source these technical parts from my dad’s broken mower?”

“You shut your disrespectful mouth, Morty. You-you show some respect for your elderly grandpa and you stay here while I travel to another dimension to see if this thing actually works.”

Morty sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Okay.”

“Right, good.”

Rick cleared some space in the garage and tore down a few sets of notes he’d pinned up on the wall to clear a space.

“Now, be a _good boy_ and turn off the light, Morty.”

There was a tiny click and the garage was dark say for the sliver of night light that shone through from underneath the automatic door.

“Ok. Let’s try this baby out.”

Rick flicked on the torch looking part of his invention and instead of a halo of light shining on the wall, an orange glowing puddle appeared.

“Woah, Rick, I’ve never seen a portal that looks like that before.”

“No sh-shit, _Morty_. Maybe that’s because I never invented this machine _before_.”

A strange gurgling noise emitted from the other side of the puddle.

“Uh, it looks like those regular green portals you throw around all the time, cept-cept it’s orange. Is it safe?”

The noise got louder, it sounded ancient and enraged.

“Well, we’ll soon find out. Here, hold this.”

Morty grabbed the T.U.R.D with both hands and held it steady as he could.

“The only thing that could _possibly_ go wrong is if the device itself gets damaged. In that case, there’s some triple As in the top draw. Just like, put them in in the right combination and then like, spin them around a bit, take them out, put them back in again, blow on the springs that they rest against and put them back in…again.”

“Uh, Ok, Rick. But just for the record, I’m really not sure about this whole situation. I mean , I’m a minor, I’m not even supposed to be left home alone, let alone left in charge of a whole other dimension, I don’t thin- HUURK!!”

A purple, pulsating tentacle slithered around Morty’s neck from inside the portal.

“Á͢R͝͞E͝ ͠Y͢O͏͜Ú ͞T̢̀HE̕̕ ̶O͟͜N̢E̷͡ ͞W̶H͘Ó ͏҉H͞A̛Ş̴͢ Ć̷R̛͜͟EÀ̸̵TE̸͞D̸ T́͝͠H̶͘͢I̷̡Ş̧͞ ̧͏G̵A̛͏T̷E͟?!”

“Woah-ho-ho! Morty, look at this!” Rick poked at the slimy flesh of a searching tentacle.

“ACK-aaack.” Morty was frozen in place, slowly turning blue.

“Y͞͏͏Ó͝U̢͘!̸ ̴H̸̕U̡M͘͘͜A̵͘N͏Ǫ̸I͘͏D.͢ ̸̀͢A̷͟R͘͘͢Ȩ ͘Y̵Ơ̧͜U҉ ̨̧͘T̡̡H҉È̢̨ ̸̡Ć̷R̴͡E͢͢Á̛͠T̡O͠R͠͝ ͘͞O̵͡F͢ ̡T͝H͘͝E̸ ͘G̀͢A͢T̵͝E̡?͢ ̸̸̷A͜͡N̡S͡W̢Ę͜͞R ̛͠M̢E.̛͜.”

“Uh. Am I going to get the freaky auto-erotic treatment if I say yes- WOOhoah!”

Another tentacle swept through the portal and wrapped around Rick’s legs. It swept him around the garage before knocking the device from Morty’s hands and whipping Rick back into it’s own dimension.

The portal started to slowly close. Morty choked and gasped on all fours on the garage floor as the suckers unlatched from his throat and let him breathe.

As the orange glow all around him ebbed away, so did the portal and any chance of following Rick to wherever the freaky space octopus had taken him.

“Uuuh…"

 

Morty fumbled with the device in the dark, trying to get the torch part to stick back onto the TV remote looking part.

 

“Goddamn it, Rick.”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

SOMEWHERE IN THE GAMMA QUADRANT OF UNIVERSE B-3636

“Uuugh.”

 Rick woke up on his face. He often found himself face down in a ditch, no matter what universe he was in.

“Alright.” He groaned, hauling himself to his feet, not opening his eyes. He had a few sips from his flask. “What we got here?”

He took a deep breath.

“Well, air’s breathable.” He carefully blinked open his eyes. “And there’s not enough radiation from those two suns up there to burn my eyes out of their sockets. That’s good.”

He walked along a long stretch of rock. The planet looked like something from a Doctor Seuss book, all curly trees and fluffy grass. A few birds (?) flitted from tree to tree and Rick notices they had weird little hands instead of feet.

“BAARRRP-no sign of that tentacle asshole.”

He searched around inside his coat and took out his cell phone.

“Hnn…no signal.”

\--

“Oh, God Oh, God Oh, God Oh, God!” Morty fumbled with the device.

He scooped up the various parts in his arms and stumbled out into the kitchen. He placed the pieces on the counter top and tried to figure out where they were supposed to go.

He heard a soda being slurped through a straw close by and huffed.

“Hey, Squirt, whatcha’ doing?”

“Summer, now is really not the time.”

“You seem agitated. Did Grandpa Rick put ginger up your butt as punishment again?”

“What?!”

“Well, when you were a little kid, you got into the garage and…don’t you remember?”

“Summer, _please_.” He sighed hard and took a moment to reassemble his anxiety before explaining. “Grandpa Rick was showing me this cool device and it opened a portal and some slimy tentacles came out and grabbed him and took him away and the portal closed and this device is the only thing that’s going to be able to bring him back.”

“Woah, are you serious?”

“Yes, Summer, and the worst thing is that time runs faster in the portal than in this universe so while I’m here- here explaining to you how, you know, this device works or whatever, he’s in some other crazy tentacle universe being, I don’t know, _squeezed_ to death or something.”

“Fucked. Up.”

“I know, I know now will you just- do you have any like, glue or tape of something so I can stick this back together?”

“Yeah I got like, super glue that I use for my acrylic nails. Will that work?”

“Yes, yes please hurry!”

Summer dumped her soda in the trash as she passed through the kitchen on her way to her bedroom.

“Oh, God, please hold on, Rick.”

\--

 

“Hnn.” Rick kicked a few fluffy pebbles over the edge of the fuzzy cliff he was standing on. The pebbles unfurled and revealed themselves to be weird armadillo creatures before they fell with a few squeaks to their deaths.

He sighed and looked up at the pink-purple sky.

“This has gotta be the **_lamest_** planet I have ever been to. And that Includes Earth.”

 

_Uhh, hello?_

 

Rick braced himself for more tentacle man handling.

 

_Oh, haha, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you._

 

“You didn’t? Where are you?”

 

_Oh, over here._

 

Rick tried not to run when he saw the pink, slippery tentacles of some kind of hell beast flop over the rocky formation behind him.

 

“Jesus! Who are you?”

_Eer, my name’s Crondax. I’m a twelve tentacled cephoolopod mollusc of the order Octopodaz. I’ve never seen one of those weird gates you made before_

 

“Listen, _Crondax_ ,” Rick pointed at the writhing mass, “if you’re going to eat me just come out and say it like an adult instead of playing with your food.

 

_Woah, woah, I’m not going to eat you_

Crondax waved a few of his tentacles in the air in what was probably a placating gesture.

_Hah, though I guess it was pretty rude of me, barging into your universe and just snatching you up like that. I’m sorry. It’s just, your gate woke me from my thousand year slumber and I kinda get a little cranky when I wake up_

“Why are you talking like that? Where the hell is your mouth?”

 

_Oh, I don't have a mouth_

 

“Oh, sorry.”

_No, it's fine. I'm communicating with you telepathically._

 

“Great.” Rick wandered over and sat down on one of the pink rocks that was closer to Crondax. “You think you can take me back to my universe now, buddy?”

 

_I'm afraid the gate has closed._

 

“Figures.” Rick took out his seemingly bottomless flask and gulped for a few moments before wiping the dribble from his mouth. “So what do you do for fun on this planet, huh?”

 

_Fun?_

 

“Yeah. Enjoyment. How do you kick back and chill in this universe?”

 

_I've never chilled before_

 

“You’d probably get on great with my grandson. Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?”

 

_what are you consuming?_

“Why, you want some?”

 

_I do not have a mouth. But I do have these._

 

Rick’s eyes went wide as Crondax offered one of it’s tentacles towards him. The end seemed to open seamlessly into a pulsating hole that twitched and oozed a clear liquid that dripped down onto the fluffy ground.

 

“This is not going to end well for either of us, Crondax.”

 

_What do you mean? May I try some?_

 

Rick sighed and poured a glug of liquor into Crondax’s hole.

 

“You might as well get nice and liquored up for what’s about to go down. You don’t have any weird kinda space diseases or anything, do you?”

 

_not that I am aware of._

 

“Good. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?” Rick turned toward the writhing mass of slime and smiled nicely.

 

_I’m a twelve tentacled cephoolopod mollusc of the order Octopodaz_

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you already told me that. Why don’t you tell me about your parents?” Rick scooted closer and put his arm around the closest wriggling appendage.

 

_Well, I was birthed from a clutch of around a million screaming eggs_

“Nice. Go on.”

 

Rick looked the thing up and down, it was hard to make the eyes at something that didn’t actually have any eyes but he gave it his damn best shot.

 

\--

 

“Summer! What did you do?!”

 

Morty lifted the torch part of the device and was horrified to discover it was covered in nail varnish.

“Well- I ran out of nail glue so I figured straight up nail polish would hold the thing together.”

 

“Are you freaking kidding me?!”

 

“Stop yelling.”

 

“Grandpa Rick is probably dead now because of me and you’re way of helping is, is covering the T.U.R.D in nail varnish?!”

 

“Turd?”

 

“I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out I can’t take this, it’s over, there’s no way I can fix this. It’s over, Summer, please just burry me in the garden next to my corpse.”

 

Summer grabbed Morty by the shoulders and shook him violently. His eyes rolled around in his head but when she slapped him he came back online.

 

“Focus. Listen, did Grandpa Rick tell you anything about this device before he went through the portal, Morty?”

 

“Uuuuhh…” Morty drooled a little.

 

“Think, Morty.”

 

“Uhh, I think maybe, he said something about batteries and auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

 

 


End file.
